“Hello! You’ve reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

“To lie about why your child is absent — Press 1.

“To make excuses for why your child did not do his work — Press 2.

“To complain about what we do — Press 3.

“To swear at staff members — Press 4.

“To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you — Press 5.

“If you want us to raise your child — Press 6.

“If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone — Press 7.

“To request another teacher for the third time this year — Press 8.

“To complain about bus transportation — Press 9.

“To complain about school lunches — Press 0.

“If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, and homework and that it’s not the teacher’s fault for your child’s lack of effort — Hang up and have a nice day!”