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One response to “You may be a Hare Krishna fanatic if …”

1. 

   ekendra

   17 December 2022

   These observations were left by different devotees when this was originally posted on my old blog. Unfortunately, I couldn’t migrate the comments over nicely, so I just copied and pasted.

   —— You do a background check of devotees before checking out their websites to avoid non bonafide ideas.
   —— You judge devotees potency by the number of times they are spotted for Sunday feast.
   —— Devotees who choose a challenging career are in maya & are “full of material desires” (applied fully to women)
   —— You get disturbed if someone whom you preached to is now taking guidance from some other devotee.
   —— You feel it’s sinful to stumble upon profiles of opposite gender on facebook especially if they are devotees, but non devotees no problem.
   —— We can accuse each other of anything & then end the conversation with “but I never wanted to offend you”
   —— You feel every instruction given by Prabhupada should be followed by women only…
   —— It’s ok to discuss other devotees marital lives because “we are learning lessons”
   —— We can do anything & say it was Krishna’s “sweet will”

   … if you chant on top of your voice in a public space like an airport, train station, or a devotee house in the suburbs.
   … you think other people are happy to hear your loud public chanting,
   — and you are happy because you know you are “liberating” them from “the clutches of maya.”
   —you refuse to take prasada sitting on a chair at a table and will rather sit on the floor next to the table.
   … you refuse to get out of the car at the Grand Canyon (your first time there) because it is all maya.
   …you don’t listen to devotional bhajans sung by lady devotees.
   — you have to take bath after touching a baby because they may be “muci.”
   … you have to take bath after touching a dog or a cat because such creatures are low and sinful.

   you have no problem expanding on concepts such as timingula fish and interplanetary birds while giving an introductory lecture on KC

   you don’t wear fake leather shoes incase someone thinks you’re wearing the real thing

   you wear flip-flops while trekking the Himalayas

   you’ve been wearing visible western-style underwear (including white y-fronts and checkered boxer shorts) under your thin dhoti for years

   you let someone use a shaving-foam cap to create a round sikha while shaving your head

   you get alcoholic cirrhosis from eating sweets

   … you have separate fridges for prasadam and bhoga in your home.

   … you have separate sinks for cooking and eating dishes at your house. (me until I had kids)

   … when in a disagreement, you shake your finger at face level in imitation of Srila Prabhupada.

   ….think that the sound made when scraping yer tongue and reaching to clear out the mucus that we tend to do in unision in the early morning hours by the patriotic, is actually the Indian National anthem.

   …if you think that sprinkling an item with water removed all known contamination.

   …if you only wear camel or maroon coloured jumpers, or beenie hats or scarfs or sox.

   …if when asked for your parents names you put Radharani and Krishna, or just Krishna -as in – krsna mata krsna pita krsna prana dhan – yeah I admit I did it…..

   … you have covered all the mirrors in your home with sheets to avoid the illusion of thinking you’re the body.

   … you refuse to let out your braids when at the hairdressers for a trim.

   … you refuse to respond when you parents call you by your birth name.

   …you would rather pour your drink on your face than touch the cup to your lips

   …you snap your fingers in front of other devotees mouths if you catch them yawning to save them from possession by ghosts

   …you never whistle for fear of damaging the ether element

   …you never tire of arguing about which spices/foods are bonafide for Ekadasi

   …your response to a devotees sharing that they’ve recently found out that they have cancer is either, “you’re not the body,” or “that’s purification Prabhu.”

   …if you drink hot soup by holding the bowl a foot above your head and pouring it directly unto your mouth
   …if you carry your wallet, keys, cell phone, tissues, a flashlight and throat pills inside your bead bag
   …if the walls in your living room and bedroom are decorated with unframed BBT posters and harinama cadars
   …if your furniture consists of Indian metal trunks, worn out coffee tables and old bookshelves, and when your relatives come visit, you borrow plastic lawn chairs from your “karmi” neighbors

   …if instead of eating you say “honoring”, instead of sleeping you say “resting”, instead of taking a dump you say “taking care of my body”…

   … when you have family stay over, instead of buying toilet paper, you try to teach them to use a lota.

   …If you serve prasadam to your first time guests on the floor, in single,micro-thin paper plates, merging every dish, whereas sweet, salty, spicy hot, dry, wet, while dragging your dhoti’s tail on the previous guest’s plates and smiling with remnants of lunch such as spinach and corn still attached to your teeth and corners of your mouth respectively.

   …If when questioned by someone about your age you respond: “My body is 37 years dead”

   ..You offer dandavat obeisances to an empty room after answering the phone when a devotee friend calls or if in public touch first the ground, then your head with your right hand.

   … you pull the drowned rat out of the milk bucket and serve it out without telling anyone ’cause hey, it’s prasadam!

   -if you spill prasadam on the floor while serving out, you just scoop it up with your hand and throw it back in the bucket.

   -you interrupt someone’s japa to tell them that since their beads are out of the bag, they’re not getting any benefit from chanting.

   -in the middle of winter you wear dyed to match waffle long johns under your dhoti instead of just wearing pants, even while doing the bhoga run.

   -you freak out that someone brought their 5 year old brother into the brahmacarini ashram.

   -you ask a guest to not feed their toddler a cookie at the temple because it’s ekadasi. (I have to admit, that was me.)

   -you push everyone to fast on holy days, even if their diabetic.

   -as a “brahmacari” you insist that a “mataji” wait for the next train and ride alone, because it would be improper to ride the same train.

   -you get on an ego trip for the rest of the day if someone brings you the ghee lamp first, or you’re really upset for the rest of the day if they don’t.

   -you think that on someone’s first visit to a temple the most important thing you can impress upon them is why we don’t eat onions and garlic.

   -you’ve ever used the term “senior bhaktin”

   …if you throw a gamsha over someone’s hand while they are saying Gayatri, to discourage the demigods from stealing the benefits…

   … if you’re not aware you have a foot long caupina tail hanging out of your pants, in full view, while walking down your city’s main street.
   … if you tell the gurukuli kid in your care to lick the spilled milk off the floor, to avoid the offense of causing “mother cow to cry”. (happened to my kids)
   … if you tell a mataji (who has filled in for another pujari who just went “off the altar”), that she is a “prostitute” for coming to do the service with (although totally braided) “wet hair”. (actually happened to me)
   … if, while living in a western country, you have whole forests sprouting out of your ears because it “attracts laksmi, prabhu”.
   … if you don’t own a single towel, but only dry yourself with gamchas.
   … if you snap the aerial receivers of sankirtan vehicles so that sankirtan devotees cannot listen to the radio and thereby won’t be hindered in their mission of liberating the public.
   … if, being a bramacari, you greet a female guest with: “I can’t talk to you, you’re a woman…”, and then leave her standing there in total disbelief without getting anyone else to attend to her.
   … if, finding a non-devotee’s wallet full of cash, credit cards & indentification, you first donate all the cash to the deities, and then report it as found. (guilty as charged).
   … if you “wave” the candles out on a birthday cake, instead of blowing.
   … if at a non-devotee’s birthday party, after the happy birthday has been sung, singing loudly and proudly you add: “may you never take birth again, may you never take birth again…”
   … if you believe that everytime you cut your hair you are decresing your Husbands lifespan, and you warn other women devotees of this risk…

   -if you never use any deo
   -if you have huge mustaches…and you are girl
   -if you consider veganism equal demonism

   …you put ONLY karatalas in your child’s lunchbox for Ekadasi.
   …your son keeps tripping over his sikha.
   …you haven’t spoken to your wife in 12 years but you live in the same house.
   …you perform the garbhadhana samskara with your kaupin still on.
   …you find yourself doing puja at the local train station for no apparent reason.
   …you work as a call-centre operator and you answer the phone ‘hari-bol’.
   …you are sure that the ‘local business listings’ are in Prabhupada’s books.
   …you are disappointed that Target doesn’t have a Kaupinware section.
   …you donate toilet paper as well as toilet rolls to the local childcare centre for arts and craft day.

   … You keep a karma tally

   …If you travel with your own lota (guilty!)

   — If you start off your office mails with PAMHO and sign it as ‘your servant.’
   Address the bus driver as Prabhuji.

   You noose the new bhakta and drag him off the top bunk for Mangal Arati.

   You drip water into his ear, then, if he shall cover his head, you drench the inside of his sleeping bag.

   You, along with another brahmacari, harness any sleeping bhakta, sleeping bag and all, and drag him into the shower, turning on the cold.

   You sleep in the hallway outside the bathroom to ensure you get woken up by stampeding brahmacaris at 4am.

   When seeing a new bhakta still sleeping at 4.10am, you feel the irresistible urge to wring out your washed gamsha and kaupin over his face (Garuda, I haven’t forgotten)….

   You escaped your devotee parents house and ‘the slaughterhouse’ at the age of 14 for the brahmacari ashrama.

   You steal the pillow and sleeping bag from a fourteen year-old for the purpose of travelling Sankirtana.

   You pray for Krishna’s mercy that you remain a brahmacari more than praying for pure devotional service.

   During japa you’re so sleep deprived you’re crashing into sadhakas and Tulasi plants.

   You’ll use the toilet flush at a public toilet instead of the toilet paper.

   When a relative passes away, you quote BG 2.11 at their funeral – “do not lament for that which is not worthy of grief.”

   You raid private gardens at 1am so that only stalks and thorns remain.

   While sitting on the Vyasasana, You praise ‘Scamkirtan’ and ‘Food For Wife’ as being the Sankirtan Movement of Lord Caitanya, as mentioned in Caitanya Caritamrta.

   You force large spoonfuls of halava onto every devotees plate, benedicting them, “with every spoonful of halava, you will go Back to Godhead five years sooner’.

   Exercising is Maya.

   Wearing presentable clothes is in the bodily concept of life.

   Sleeping more than four hours is the mode of ignorance.

   If you’re not sleepy when you chant, you’ve slept too much.

   After ten years in the temple, you don’t know the difference between proteins and carbohydrates.

   Hot cow’s milk with tumeric powder is the cure for lactose intolerance.

   Your –insert here– is Krishna’s, therefore it’s mine.

   Thinking, “What’s Krishna’s is mine and what’s mine is mine”.

   It’s all Lila, prabhu.

   If you decide to be the self-designated Japa Police from 5-7am every single morning.

   When you stand up in Bhagavatam class and you still fall asleep.

   If it’s ok for you but not ok for me.

   If you’re the ‘pujari’ and won’t clean a damn thing… because you’re a brahmana and brahmana’s are always pure…..?

   You broke your nose from standing in Bhagavatam class to keep awake.

   You have whiplash from ‘Violent Japa’ -TM- .

   You’re ears permanently ring and you’re happy about it – “Now I’m always hearing kirtan, prabhu”.

   You don’t pay rent to your ‘demon landlord’ because he may misspend it.

   You won’t hug your grandma after not seeing her for ten years because ‘the Bhagavatam says so’…..

   You don’t give blood at a Blood Bank, you give prasadam.

   You have Jagannath deities hanging from the rear vision mirror of your car.

   At 4am you’re getting up to pray not getting home from the pub.

   You get pleasure from headbutting the floor every time you see a friend.

   You’ve renamed ‘Athletes Foot’ and ‘Tinnitus’ to ‘Lotus Foot’ because you ‘really need the mercy’.

   You eat only the remnants of devotees.

   The handwash water is the ‘Real Caritamrta’ -TM-

   You think you’re a pure devotee after a month of joining the Hare Krishna Movement.

   You’re preaching to senior devotees after six months.

   You’ve taken sanyasa in front of a picture of Prabhupada, after a year.

   And after another year, you’ve given up that danda for a new one.

   You chastise the cashier at the supermarket for accepting Laksmi with her left hand because “She belongs to Krishna not your stool wiping mit”.

   You’re wearing a saffron kurta, tilaka and a Kaupin tail at your college graduation ceremony during Kodak time (Matsya, I’ve still got a clear image of this photo 🙂

   …Having first heard the song “Govinda Jaya Jaya” on “The Radha Krsna Temple” album, on hearing someone sing that song, you still play the kartals backwards

   … you have only metal plates and cups in your kitchen cupboards

   …you are incompetent with a knife and fork, and your kids don’t even know what they are

   …you praise your kids when they pick food up off the dirty floor and eat it. Because it’s prasadam.

   … you say ‘sarira’ prayers at an informal dinner, even if everyone else forgot and has already started eating

   …you have a large selection of plates in your car

   … you have an elaborate yet dusty altar on your dashboard in your car

   …you write “In the Care of…” in the covers of all your books

   …you refuse to be nice to animals except if they’re cows

   …you think that eating puris and sweetrice every day is a healthy diet

   …if you are a mataji and your legs are whiter than the light of the brahmajyoti, in lieu of having never been exposed to the sun

   ….. drive with one hand in your bead bag.

   ….. answer telephones, anywhere, even in other people’s homes or out in someone’s office with “Hare Krishna”

   ….. still think that ONLY brahmacharis and sannyasis go back home back to Godhead.

   ….. still think that ONLY devotees living in the temple are real devotees

   –you shower in a gamcha.

   –you think a side part is for prostitutes.

   –you are a 23 year old young woman who dresses like a 60 year old indian widow.

   –you examine photos of prabhupada to try to determine whether he tied or rolled his dhoti. and get into arguments with your friends about it.

   –you think anything other than the swami step is disco dancing.

   –you will only eat pizza if it is made from a chapati, paneer and tomato chutney.

   –you think the biggest entertainer in the world is michael jackson.

   –when people refer to varnashram you think that only refers to cows and agriculture.

   –you stockpiled grain for y2k.

   –you treat all illnesses with turmeric and ghee.

   –when informed of a major catastrophic world event such as the destruction of the world trade center or the tsunami in southeast asia your response to the carnage is, “it’s because they all ate meat.” actually, this is your theme for the sunday feast lecture you enthusiastically give in the temple room after the events.

   –you refuse to eat yeasted bread, even when it is maha prasad.

   –you would rather live with a plantar wart or foot infection than let a karmi podiatrist touch your lotus feet.

   –you keep track of other devotee’s sadhana, making mental notes of who is good association and who is bad association.

   –you name your kids venumadhava das and madhumati devidasi.

   –you make a distinction between potato chips and tortilla chips. the former being bona fide because they are not grains, the latter total maya because infused with karmi consciousness.

   –when buying shoes your decision is based on which ones require absolutely no touching by your hands to put on.

   –you think devotees who eat gluten/seitan really want to eat meat.

   –your son’s sikha is larger than his waistband.

   –your daughter isn’t allowed to wear pants, even in the snow.

   –you have a tiny japa bag custom sewn for your newborn.

   –you find yourself offering entire fruit trees and flower bushes so that non-devotees don’t incur the sin of enjoying bhoga.

   –you would rather sleep in a van than get a hotel room, even when the temperature is below freezing.

   –your idea of dinner and a movie is hot milk and popcorn and a vcd of govardhana parikrama.

   –your favorite meal is kichari.

   –you bring gifts of milk and cow dung when you visit other temples.

   –you give the new camera your relative gave you as a gift to a devotee who can better use it for his service.

   –if your parents have stipulations in their will that you cannot inherit any money if you are still associated with the devotees.

   –you attend ratha yatra in a major city bare foot.

   –you would rather your children starve than feed them store bought snacks.

   –you refer to schools as “the slaughterhouse”.

   –you don’t know who won the u.s. presidential election (happened to me in 2001…actually, i didn’t know it was disputed and when i asked my mom…thinking i was being all slick and interested in “the world” she responded…”what are you living in a cave!!!”.

   –you address large crowds as “devotees and matajis.”

   –you have no sense of humor.

   and as I personally saw and admit was in the line-up back in the early 1980s not only went into the sea in just kaupins along with about a dozen other devotee men, BUT we all paid our obeisences to the sea before entering it. God only knows what all those behind us on the beach thought.

   * you insist on wearing (noisy) clogs even though you are married.
   * you wear your head piece with hair clips to secure it for god forbid it fell off your head
   * you would not pass the ghee lamp to the women in their hands but put it on the nearest place instead in case your hands touched
   * you insist on wearing counch shell bangles, a big red dot and sindhur in your hair part EVERYWHERE.(esp. weird if you are not indian)
   * stood with folded hands throughout a kirtan in prayer mode looking very sincere
   *you wear a turban and dont shave your face for men
   *you have hairy legs and eyebrows as a woman
   *you refuse to wear shoes….EVER
   *you think you should drive the worst car ever which breaks down always

   … you gave another devotee an Achaman cup for thier birthday. (feel odd posting this as this is something I actually did)

   … you often find yourself attempting to replicate Srila Prabhupada’s accent, especially when you’re in an argument.

   … you think that any preaching method that wasn’t used in the 70s is “maya.”

   … you refer to the general public as “karmis” all the time, “mayavadis” occasionally, and “demons” when you’re annoyed at them.

   … you think your guru is the only candidate in the parampara after Srila Prabhupada.

   … you pick the chocolate chips out of a cookie.

   … you’ve ever seriously considered having tilaka tattooed on your forehead.

   … you’ve ever covered yourself in cow urine before entering the temple because you ran out of water.

   … while in a western country, you’ve ever swam in a public beach wearing a sari.

   … while in a western country, you’ve ever swam in a public beach wearing just a kaupin.

   –you would rather hold it than poop somewhere where you can’t shower (guilty as charged).

   –you think it is better to eat sour cream and bananas on a road trip than buy a loaf of bread or a bag of pretzels.

   –you think waking up at 4:30 am is sleeping in.

   –you won’t shake hands with someone you just met.

   –you’re children are afraid of “karmi meat-eaters.”

   –you won’t eat ice cream that isn’t homemade.

   –when invited to prasadam at a devotee’s house and served tofu you ask,”did you make the tofu yourself.” when the answer is “no” you eat around it.

   –you conjugate the word “nectar.”

   –you think it is perfectly acceptable for a four year old girl to wear a full face of makeup but lip gloss on a 16 year old girl is slutty.

   –you have to shower immediately because it’s the middle of the day and you just brushed your teeth and now you are contaminated from all the micro muci spray from your mouth and it is grossing you out and you cannot handle it.

   …you break the toilet seat by squatting on it.

   …you call the postman, the grocer, the mechanic and the plumber “Prabhu”

   …You call a 55Lb, 7 year old girl named Lori:”Mother Lori”

   …you haven’t called your parents for 10 years

   …you watch the airplane movies, but you think it’s maya to use the headphones

   …you refer to your relatives as:”Those meat eating karmi demons”.

   …you throw away anything that touches your foot, except for socks and shoes.

   …when staying at people’s houses you ask what way is East before saying hello

   …you think it’s perfectly fine for women to have their full torso exposed as long as their head is covered…
   …you understand that the snapping of someone’s fingers as an answer to your question behind a close door means that they are saying their Gayatri Mantra

   …you don’t eat at a devotee restaurant unless you know that the cook is chanting 16 rounds (guilty as charged…)

   …you pepper conversations with the words “ecstatic”, “far-out”, “fried”, “nectar” and “fired-up”.

   …you have offered and unoffered salt

   …you won’t eat yoghurt after 4pm

   …you think all exercise is maya except for swimming and wrestling which are vaisnava sports

   …you consider the occupation of sticker-salesperson to be more devotional than, say, pumping petrol or being a lawyer

   …you think women are less intelligent and should therefore remain at home, preferably pregnant and barefoot

   …you avoid wearing warm clothes in winter because it indicates you’re attached to your body

   …you aren’t afraid to tell a male acquaintance you are “off the altar” when he asks you to do a service.
   …you don’t think you can do anything when you are “off the altar,” including leaving your room or washing you hair.
   …you own two sets of khaki’s and blue button up shirts for sankirtan, but no other western clothes. And you are a girl.
   …you married a man you only talked to on the phone four times. (oops, I did that)
   …you think that a female devotee wearing shorts on sankirtan on a 98 degree day is in maya.
   …you have muchi and suchi spray bottles.

   …you listen to those devotional covers of Beatles songs rather than just admitting to yourself that, yes, you are attached to the Beatles and maybe you ought to just listen to the iconic originals.

   …you call all drinks “nectar.”

   you consider everything in the material world false except conspiracy theories

   you feel it is your duty to instruct and advise every single living entity you come in contact with.

   you feel perfectly comfortable using 1960s and 70s hippie slang in the 21st century

   you suffer sleep deprivation every night but catch up during Bhagavatam class

   you shake someones hand on sankirtan and then touch a book to purify your contaminated hand — or pull on your earlobe three times

   All the water faucets, etc in your apartment or house have had the hot water knob removed.

   You are frequently questioned as to why you wobble your head in agreement during conversations with nondevotees.

   You invariably answer both in the affirmative and the negative with “Haribol, Prabhu!”

   Your response to every question is “Haribol, Prabhu!” [I actually knew a fella like this; very difficult to communicate with…]

   You consider the movie “Brother Sun, Sister Moon” to be a gateway drug.

   You sleep in a closet.

   You sleep in a cowshed.

   You sleep in a hallway.

   no one can understand what you are saying due to your thick, Bengali accent, despite the fact that you are a native-born US citizen and English is the only language you’ve ever known.

   You croon like a 40-year old, Bengali Farmer, again, despite the fact that you are a native-born US or EU citizen of European descent.

   You measure the success of a kirtan by how poor your hearing becomes afterward.

   Your personal wompers are bigger than hubcabs

   You brush your teeth with cow dung.

   … you’ve ever thrown out all your knives and forks to guarantee you eat the ‘Vedic’ way.

   … after 10 years in the ashram you still write 10 page letters to your parents about how they are in maya.

   … whilst cooking, a guest comments on how good it smells and you blow the roof at them for being so lusty.

   … you’d go to a family reunion, cook your own meal and eat it with your hands.

   … you have cold showers in the middle of winter.

   … you’d feel self conscious about having a side part in your hair.

   … you’d swim in the Pacific Ocean in a sari.

   … you are careful not to make eye contact when speaking to a devotee of the opposite sex.

   … you’ve ever gone through the produce section of the supermarket and offered everything on the shelf.

   … you refuse to get in a bus, taxi or family car until they turn off the radio.

   …. If you take a bucket bath in the back yard when visiting your parents, rather than use their ‘muchi’ bathroom…. =)

   … you are still living off the grains you stored for y2k.

   … you ever spent a summer trying to make yourself like ‘devotionalized’ contemporary music.

   … you refuse to eat your kid’s birthday cake because he blew out the candles and may have muchified the top layer with tiny kiddie spittles.

   On the other hand …

   You may be a Hare Krishna fanatic if … you’d fight with someone over who gets to swallow the leftover pit of a date, apricot or other stonefruit eaten by someone who you don’t actually know but is institutionally recognized as a ‘senior devotee’

   … you buy a 50 inch LCD screen and a Dolby 7.1 surround system but only watch Charlie Chaplain movies because Srila Prabhupada once laughed at one so it’s bonifide.

   – Your wedding reception feast is served to the guests on paper plates, while they sit on mats on the ground. Because seating your friends and family at tables is “Maya”.

   – You’re a saffron brahmacari who, rather than sitting, chants his japa walking around the temple room, because the only spot left is between a grhasta and the new bhakta in white.

   – You have no furniture in your lounge room, just an alter, some devotional instruments and a pile of mats for guests to sit on.

   – You and your wife sleep in separate beds but because of lack of space they are pushed together

   – If you go out for dinner and your kids whisper to you “can we use our hands”

   … if you, as a westerner, refer to other western people as mlecchas and yavanas.

   …. You use the numerical units ‘lac’ and ‘crores’ in financial dealings outside of India

   — you refuse to chant in kirtan when non-traditional instruments are used because the kirtan isn’t bona fide

   — you end every statement with the phrase, “isn’t it?” in imitation of devotees imitating Srila Prabhupada

   — your children can recite the sanskrit and english translations for most of the verses in the Bhagavad Gita, but they are still failing their classes at school

   — you carefully treasure a few dusty scraps of shredded paper at the bottom of a box because 35 years ago it was a BTG article

   — you obsess about the fact that your teenager has “karmi” school friends but you have no problem letting him travel across the planet with someone you haven’t actually met because a) he’s a devotee and b) Krishna will protect them because its service (yes, that was me)

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